Why Tinder Is Bad For Your Love Life

I found this post courtesy of I’ve Been Dating for You. It’s refreshing in many ways, not only because it’s from a young man’s point of view – but also because it talks such common sense. All the things we know about the addictive nature of social media – including online dating sites – are evident in this post. There are pro’s and cons of modern dating obviously, but at least try to be aware of the pitfalls discussed here. Read on if you dare! (or watch the You Tube link).

Tinder is a fun, convenient and entertaining way to meet new potential lovers, friends and maybe even partners…. You might think that you are having a good time on the dating app, but after reading my story you will understand why Tinder is actually bad for your love life!

via Why Tinder Is Bad For Your Love Life — Wellness of Health

Tinder is the most popular and convenient way to date these days, so why would it be bad for your love life? Check out my story and find out why Tinder is actually bad for your love life!

Ok so for those who haven’t read my blog before, I am a 29 year old, single (why else would I be talking about Tinder hah), male, living in Australia. It is crazy to think that it has been over 5 years since Tinder was introduced to the world, changing the dating game as we know it. I have wondered how did so many relationships come to blossom without the use of the iconic dating app in the years Before Tinder (BT).

During this time I have been known to have a frequent swipe on the app for different reasons depending on my mood and what I was looking for at the time. Yes I have had my fair share of funny stories and good times, but ultimately it hasn’t led to a long lasting relationship (which is the same for many of my friends). About 6 weeks ago I deleted tinder after I felt that I was wasting my time on there; and after my time on the sidelines I thought I would write about why I think Tinder is bad for your love life.

I even went speed dating with a mate recently (that’s a story for another time), and everyone that I met at the event said that they had been on Tinder recently and hated it. So why has Tinder taken over?!

PS – if you like this post and want to read more of my writing, check out my book, Redesign Your Mind – which is about living as a young person and overcoming challenges of anxiety, depression and negative thinking. It is my story, and includes some of my dating challenges and fails as well! Click here to check it out!

So what are the basics of Tinder?

Have you been living under a rock for the past five years? Haha okay Tinder is the dating app that allows people to meet and chat to members of the opposite (or same) sex in their area and catch up for friendship, for dates, sex, relationship or all of the above. Within minutes you can have your profile set up and be swiping away at potential new matches.

Oh yea – and you can only start chatting to someone if you both ‘swipe’ right / yes to each other. Seconds later you could start a chat and lead things wherever you like. Instantly you can have a series of dates or hook ups lined up. If the conversation isn’t up to scratch – it doesn’t matter because there are another 10 potential matches ready to chat whenever you are. Sound’s exciting doesn’t it? That’s part of the problem.. Now that I’ve removed you from under that rock, let’s take a look at why Tinder is bad for your love life.

Tinder is superficial

Now don’t tell me that it’s not superficial and it’s all about the conversation, because we all know that is a lie! The first thing we see is a picture, and without having to read anything about the person we usually swipe away. If we actually read their bio, in we might actually find that the hot, 25 year old blonde we just swiped right to might actually be crazy – but because she looks great in a bikini we instantly swipe right.

Ladies don’t laugh because you are just as bad.. how many times have you swiped right to a guy that you know is a jerk, but he has a cute dog so it’s all good right? Hah no wonder why we are back on Tinder hours after our first date.

Tinder makes us focus on the wrong areas

Ok so this is one for our mental health. When we see people’s profiles and they look great, have the right hair, the right clothes, maybe a profile pic in a cool location, a pretty smile and a nice body, this is what we personally focus our own goals and sought after features on. We look at ourselves and others and focus on the physical aspects. What we need to improve on with ourselves, maybe we need to hit the gym or get a makeover?

But this doesn’t help us grow as a person. This means we put too much of our self worth in how good we look with our first impression before our potential lover swipes. If you are looking for a relationship, none of these things matter and what does matter is your personality and how you treat the other person; you know, like whether you are right for each other or not.

We all need to work on our mental health, positive attitude and setting goals that give us meaning, however Tinder trains our mind to think about a good booty and sexy profile pic. What we need to do is show gratitude to ourselves and be grateful for what we have got.

Tinder doesn’t allow time for a relationship to grow

So you had a first date, and it went okay, but you might as well go on Tinder and check out what else is out there right? Or you had a second date, and you are not sure if they are really interested, so sure I might as well go on Tinder and have another swipe.

I am so guilty at falling for this and it is one of the things that I personally am working on. We need to give things time to settle, to find out what we really think about the person. Love is not like in the movies where you fall in love and live happily ever after at the end of the 90 minute screenplay; it takes time. We need to give things time before we move on to the next one, but I know all too well that Tinder makes it hard to resist.

Even if you are faithful on Tinder, are they?

I have heard so many stories of people who have been hurt by someone that wasn’t on the same commitment level as them; or they thought they were exclusive when they were not. Tinder makes it so easy for people to have multiple relationships going. I am not saying that you have to be mutually exclusive, everyone wants to date and see what’s out there, but Tinder has made it harder for us to stay committed and faithful. If a relationship is on the rocks, a partner might just go for a swipe, when BT they would have to wait until the weekend before they could go out with friends, and hopefully by then things have sorted itself out.

This also sucks for those that are matching people that are just coming out of relationships and who are not sure what they want. I have heard of many stories (including some of my own), where people haven’t told the full story about when or how their last relationship ended, and whether they are still in contact with their ex-lover. Do you really want to be dating someone who is still talking to, or thinking about their ex? Not me thanks!

Tinder has stopped us from meeting people in social settings

Here’s another thing Tinder has killed. I’m not an old man (yet), but after 10 or so years of social events and nights out in bars and clubs, I have noticed the change in how people act when they are out. In the years BT (Before Tinder) people were way more likely to go and talk to a random person they liked, but now they would much rather meet in the safety of their phone and chat online instead of going up to someone.

I had a friend who saw a guy that she liked and said ‘Oh wow I hope he is on Tinder’. Why not just go up to him and say hi? The fear of rejection in a social setting is now just too much for everyone, when instead if we get rejected on Tinder, half the time we will never know about it.

This snowballs because now girls and guys don’t expect anyone to come up to them and start a chat, so when it happens their guard is up and they are less likely to go anywhere with the conversation (maybe because we don’t have the confidence or social skills to cope with a random conversation anymore hah).

Tinder trains your brain to seek instant gratification and not a lasting relationship

Now I know that I sound like I think that the creators of Tinder are evil and seeking to create havoc on the world haha but even though this isn’t their intention (I hope anyway), it is the result. Whenever you swipe right and get a match, you feel good. If it is someone you thought was cute, you are instantly gratified and get a sense of happiness. Your brain likes this feeling, and wants it again and again.

Unfortunately, if you aren’t on Tinder, or you are with someone and things aren’t going well, you want that high again. You want that feeling that someone wants you, and Tinder brings it to you right on time. Tinder trains your brain to want the short, quick, easy highs, and not the slow and ever lasting high of a long term relationship. Wow I never knew that I could make Tinder sound so philosophical haha.

And the biggest reason why Tinder is bad for your love life…

Even after everything I have said above, and all the timewasters, the cheats, the players, and even though I have been off the app for over a month; I know that it won’t be long before I am back on Tinder, swiping away in a frivolous session that will only end once my phone runs out of battery or my finger gets tired from swiping.

Maybe it’s too late for our generation and we must all succumb to the reality that Tinder and online dating is the way of the future. Times have changed and unfortunately, I feel that we will all have to fit into the online dating world, or fear being left behind.

Okay so it’s not that bad, but have some fun with it and be sensible!

So we all know that it won’t be long before I’m back on Tinder, but I hope that this time I go back on – that I can make changes to be more faithful and spend my time searching only for what I am actually looking for. If we are to get our love life back on track, I think we need to be sensible to ourselves with how we use Tinder.

Maybe we should have to pass a test to get a Tinder license before we can swipe away? Don’t be silly Stef, no one would pass that test. Don’t forget to subscribe to the blog – just fill in your email address into the form on this page and you will stay up to date each time I upload a post to improve our mental health (and hopefully our dating game!)

Watch the YouTube video of this.

Glossary – Terms, Apps and Websites

It can be pretty confusing when faced with a whole new lingo, and let’s face it, if you’re a Gen X-er like me, you’ve had a few years to amass a pretty useless collection of slang, jargon and cleverclogs terms that only a select few understand.

Here I take the mystery out of a whole bunch of words, phrases, names and pastimes in today’s online dating world. If I’ve missed any, be sure to let me know!

BDSM: A combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism). BDSM is used today as a catch-all phrase covering a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures. (Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM)

Benching/breadcrumbing: Being put on the back burner or putting someone on the backburner while someone pursues other paramours. They often give you just enough contact to keep you attached but never really commit. You’re usually their backup plan.

Catch and release: Like cultivating laybys, this is a tactic used by people who need constant affirmation and validation, another type of ‘advance and retreat’ game playing.

Catfishing: “On the internet, a ‘catfish’ is a person who creates fake personal profiles on social media sites using someone else’s pictures and false biographical information to pretend to be someone other than themself. These ‘catfish’ usually intend to trick an unsuspecting person or persons into falling in love with them.” (Wikipedia)

Catch & Release: People who are one-date-wonders, they lure you in, you have a fantastic date and then they move on looking for the next exciting thrill. They thrive on the chase rather than looking for the actual relationship. Similar to Monkeying: bouncing from date to date, relationship to relationship, like a monkey swinging from tree to tree.

Chat, talk: Messaging or texting unless context is otherwise stated here.

Cougar: A slang term [for] a woman who seeks sexual activity with significantly younger men. (Wikipedia)

Cougar Life: A dating app aimed at cougars and men seeking them.

Cub: A younger man who is attracted to or in a relationship with a ‘cougar’.

Cuffing / Uncuffing: Cuffing season is usually during winter when people really want to have someone in their life to snuggle when it’s cold. Uncuffing season is when the weather warms up and people enjoy being single and mingling.

Demisexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. Comes from the orientation being ‘halfway between’ sexual and asexual. (Wikipedia wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual)

Friends with benefits (FWB): Friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically … casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment. (Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=friends%20with%20benefits)

Fuck Buddy: See friends with benefits.

Ghosting: “The propensity to evaporate into thin air, or more accurately cyberspace, when confronted by situations you don’t want to deal with, people you’d rather not see, or feelings more complex than you care for.” (Mariella Frostrup ‘My New Boyfriend Has Vanished’ The Guardian April 2016)

Hiding accounts/deleting accounts: Some dating apps or sites allow you to ‘hide’ your profile so that it is invisible to others. Other apps allow you to delete your photo so that you are somewhat incognito. Deleting accounts means closing it completely.

Icing: Defined by Esther Perel as ‘manufacturing a reason to suspend the relationship’ – equal parts anxiety and ego; fastest path to resentment. (Esther Perel www.estherperel.com/relationship-accountability accessed 24 July 2017)

Kik: A chat app that allows users to be anonymous, send pictures, videos and messages.

Kink: Sexual practices [that] go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners…sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. (Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kink_(sexual))

Layby (also known as breadcrumbing or cushioning): People already in relationships who seek to get someone else emotionally invested or ready to date; an ambiguous way of cheating

Love bombing: A seductive and manipulative technique usually directed by sociopaths or narcissists. Follows three main phases – idealisation, devaluation and discarding. (Alex Miles ‘Love Bombing: A Seductive and Manipulative Technique’ Elephant Journal 28 January 2016)

Match&Chat: kik messenger group that presents fresh faces every day from around the world.

MILF: Mother I’d Like to Fuck.

My Cougar Dates: Dating app for people seeking older women that syndicates profiles to numerous other sites/pages.

NSA: ‘No strings attached’ sexual activity.

Oasis: Dating website/app.

OK Cupid: Dating website/app.

Paid sites/apps vs free apps: Free dating sites/apps allow users to have near or full functionality of the app without paying. Paid sites require regular subscription tokens/fees in order to see or contact members. Sometimes it is men who are charged and women who are free.

Plenty of Fish: Dating website/app.

Polyamory: Based on the Greek and Latin for “many loves” (literally, poly many + amore love). Polyamory is often defined as informed consent of all participants or consensual non-monogamy.

Poly solo: An approach that emphasises agency and does not seek to engage in relationships that are tightly couple-centric. People who identify as poly solo emphasise autonomy, the freedom to choose their own relationships without seeking permission from others, and flexibility in the form their relationships take. (Franklin Veaux More Than Two More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory 2014 and Janet W. Hardy The Ethical Slut, Second Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures)

Protocols: Loose or commonly understood ‘rules’.

RA – relationship anarchy: Relationships that are not bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree on; a way of engaging the relationships in your life, based on abundance, consent, and autonomy; shares characteristics with polyamory. (Wikipedia http://www.relationship-anarchy.com/)

Roaching: A common behaviour named after the adage that when you see one cockroach, there are many more you don’t see. In this case, it’s the multiple other lovers your new discovery may be hiding (crushes, dates, flirtations, hookups and maybe even relationships). Like cockroaches, it’s very common not to declare that you’re not being exclusive – some people think the onus is on each party to fess up if they’re not being exclusive.

Romance scams: A confidence trick involving feigned romantic intentions towards a victim, gaining their affection, and then using that goodwill to commit fraud. Wikipedia

RSVP: Dating website/app.

Sapiosexual: A person who is sexually attracted to intelligence or the human mind before appearance. (Wikipedia https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sapiosexual)

Sexting: Sending, receiving, or forwarding sexually explicit messages, photographs or images, primarily between mobile phones. (Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexting)

Simmering: Defined by Esther Perel as ‘reducing the frequency of dates and communication’ – when something isn’t working for you but you want to keep the security of companionship. (Esther Perel www.estherperel.com/relationship-accountability)

Skout: Dating website/app.

Slow fade: Similar to ghosting, a coward’s way out of communicating that they are uncomfortable with how the relationship is progressing.

Snapchat: An image messaging and multimedia app characterised by images that are only available for a short time before they become inaccessible.

Swinging: Partner swapping, non-monogamous sexual behaviour mainly among couples; single men are kept to a minimum.

Textationship/Text relationship: When you feel like you’re in some sort of relationship (eg great chemistry, great rapport) via text or phone but you haven’t met the person, and may actually never do so in IRL (in real life).

Tinder: Dating website/app (probably the most well known!)

What’s app: Chat app that allows sharing of videos, photos and text messages. Mobile phone numbers need to be exchanged to use this app.

Viber: Chat app that allows sharing of videos, photos and text messages. Mobile phone numbers need to be exchanged to use this app.

Virtual sex: Sexting and sharing of sexually explicit talk, messages or videos via app or online.

Zombie-ing: People from the past who suddenly spring up in your social media and try to re-connect after having slow-faded.