Pussy: A Reclamation

Welcome to the best blog post I’ve read yet by last week’s featured writer Year of Sluttery.

This post, for me, encapsulates the midlife change – or challenge, or energy, whatever you want to call it – and speaks loudly to our purpose for this age and stage.

We need to listen to our inner (and higher) selves now, because soon it will be too late. Whether you’re a woman or a man, this piece is meant for you. Listen to your heart (or your pussy!) and make the changes you need to live your truth and value your life and potential. Thanks Scarlett for voicing your thoughts that we can all relate to.

Year of Discovery

Listen to Pussy. She’s got your back.

January 2020

I’m reading Regena Thomashauer’s book Pussy: A Reclamation. It is life-changing for me. Seriously.

Life-changing.

Why?

I am learning to value my feminine instincts and follow them. To listen to my pussy folks. That’s shocking isn’t it? It sounds crazy. It’s not.

Here’s where I came from and I bet many of you relate.

I grew up in a male-dominated home. My mother hardly talked really. It was all about my father; everything was. I never saw my mom go against him. Add into that the philosophy of my Southern Baptist upbringing which includes the ideas that men are the leaders and women are to be submissive and the idea that the last shall be first. The women who were valued were quiet servants.

If you want to turn off most men in the Midwest say something positive about feminism…

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Interview with Year of Sluttery

A reader pointed me in the direction of Scarlett from Year of Sluttery as a fun, well-written blog so I immediately read pretty much every post in a blog binge! I was so impressed, not just by the similarities in our stories, adventures and attitudes, but also by just how darn adorable she is in her prose. She’s clever, creative and sassy, and therefore I liked her instantly. Find out more about Scarlett and her blog (“50 Flirty Fun: Dating and Life”) blog below…

Scarlett Jones

You’re new-ish to blogging – what made you start?

I’ve always thought I would like it but had started a couple and gotten one or two posts before dropping them. There are several reasons I’ve kept up with this blog. I wanted to think through what I was doing as a newly single older woman and writing is how I do that. I am having so much fun writing it!

Do you have writing or blogging goals?

I want to try to publish it as a book and I can even see the movie in my mind!

How does the blog intersect with the rest of your life? How do you balance the separate ‘identities’ of you as an older woman dating (on a quest), you in your working life, and you as a writer?

I completely separate the working life and dating because I fear getting fired honestly. The blog is very open about sex so it’s a worry for me. I keep writing but I fear getting found out. My writer side pushes me to have more adventures. This is usually a good thing. I have however learned to listen to the side of me that keeps me safe after I scared myself a little bit the first month. I still do things that many women would not do, as in having men over to my place after a date or two.

How important is writing for you at this stage of your life, and for what reasons?

Writing is my joy, something I look forward to and miss if I can’t get to it every day almost. I started writing for the blog, to have an audience, but am finding I can write for myself now. I’m actually considering pulling the blog and writing for a book now. I have so many people following me who know me (or who know the DJ) that I find myself not writing some things I want to for fear of his friends reading it. I will be writing for the rest of my life, would like for it to be daily.

I find your blog a charming mix of clever and funny, with a bold and brave ‘voice’. It makes for a unique writing/blogging ‘voice’ – how did you arrive at this? Did it take effort to find, or was it natural?

If you met me in person you’d hear this in my voice. I tell the stories on the blog the way I talk. I write as if I’m talking to a dear friend who isn’t judging me but is rather cheering me on, “living vicariously through me” as several close friends have told me, and who want to know the stories, because some don’t.

What are your impressions of dating now, as opposed to the last time you were single? Do you want to give us a potted history of how you came to be single again?

Oh this question makes me laugh. The funny thing is I’ve never dated. I got married at age 19 to Hillbilly Man, former captain of the football team who had graduated three years before me and was still driving around our small town looking for dates after his factory job. Like Plato’s cave I thought that little town was the world because I’d never been anywhere and thought, “Well someone wants me” and got married.

After 28 years of marriage I got the courage to leave, and it was courage, and met Hoppy Sporty Sport who was my first date after leaving Hillbilly Man. I stayed with Hoppy for six years and left when he “forgot to propose” after several discussions on getting married. I have no dating past. It’s all been this year.

So, the word cougar – love or loathe? Why?

Hmmm…. no one has called me this to my face. I date as many men in their 50s as I do in their 30s. I have no problem with the term and would consider it a compliment. It’s been fun being with younger men. It’s been a huge ego boost for one. I’ve had three children and am not a gym rat but I’ve had no complaints. In fact I’ve had many returners and I know men bullshit us but there’s no need to. I’m going to sleep with them because it’s fun. I will keep doing it if it’s fun for me so there’s no reason to try and trick me. I’m there. I like sex. The connotation of a cougar to me is someone who enjoys sex with younger men, which I do, but I also like sex with men my age.

Do you have an age preference in your current quest, or another quality that defines the ‘yes’ or ‘no’ vote from you to pursue someone?

My quest at this point is not for a monogamous relationship. It’s to meet as many people as possible and see what I want.

What are some turn on vs turn off qualities in the men you’ve met so far?

I except respect, humor, and intelligence. I have to be attracted to them also. That’s been interesting to meet someone and think they are so ‘hot’ online but not in real life and then the opposite also. I’d like to try and figure out what it is that makes the man attractive to me.

A complete turn-off to me is them telling me what to do, even sexually. The Cranky Narcissist was gone after he told me to clean my bathtub (I swear it wasn’t bad.) Baby Ginger messaged he’d like to “choke my pretty mouth” with his dick and he was done. Zen Man told me to suck his dick and I don’t want to see him again. There’s a rebel in me that does not want to do what I’m told. I will give a BJ, and do often and enjoy it, but I want to give it. I also don’t tell men what to do to me either though.

It’s an exploration I think. There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance. I can’t stand arrogant people. Another huge turn on for me is authenticity and honesty and a drive to live life. A complete turn-off is a man sitting in front of the goddamn TV every night. Yuck.

What would be your ultimate date or special day/evening with someone?

I’m going to go with someone I’m in a relationship with so it’s not a first date. First dates are awkward. My favorite thing would be to go on a ‘wander’, whether that’s in nature or a city. One of my best days this year was in Seattle. I had coffee and breakfast in a kickass coffee shop, went to outdoor yoga, kayaked the sound, had lunch in an old diner, lay on the sunny beach and read a book and people watched, biked 8 miles back downtown, got pizza and watched a movie. Throw a sexy sweet man into that day with sex bookmarking the day and kisses throughout and that would be a perfect day to me.

Do you have any rules that you stick by, and why?

I have not done well with rules. At first I was not going to have men here. Ha. Then I was only going to have sex and not have actual dates or any activities. I haven’t done a lot of activities at this point, mainly food and drinks and sex so this one is fairly intact. The DJ has gotten past this several times but I enjoyed it. The main rule I’m trying to follow now is to listen to the inner voice of me and trust it.

Worst vs best date so far?

God. Worst? Honestly the Zen Man drunk and high at my place telling me how to suck his dick. Truly awful. I felt trapped.
Best? The DJ still has that one with the day of crepes and sunshine and conversation. Best sex though is The Poet so far.

Have you experienced ageism in dating, or limitations on your ability to achieve your goals?

When I recently turned 55 I had to change my age on Tinder. I had aged out of people’s searches. I don’t look nor act 55. I actually pass for 15 years younger consistently. I recently deleted Tinder but had my age as 49 on there. Other than the initial match I have not. It seems to be a turn-on for many, at least the ones that match. The ones who don’t like it are not swiping right so that’s okay.

Do you have a minimum or maximum age in someone as a hook-up or partner? (Or different limits for different circumstances?)

I have adult children. I told my 30-year-old daughter recently that my hookup cut-off is three years older than her which she thought was too close. LOL. I dated someone four years older than I am all summer but that was an anomaly. I set my range on apps from 20 years younger to four years older. I do like many of the late 40s, early 50s men I’ve met but for fun I like the younger ones also. Right now my best and most fun sex is with someone 18 years younger. If I were to meet an energetic open man older than me I’d be open but I haven’t seen that yet.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time? Do you have a dream you’re searching for?

In five years’ time, I will be a therapist in the Pacific Northwest. I hope to be in a relationship with a kind, sexy, authentic reader/thinker/adventurer. I’d love to have #yearofsluttery on the NYT Best Seller list and working as a consultant on the film. I want to write and speak about sluttery and female empowerment.

 

Thanks to Scarlett for being so candid and if your interest is piqued, head on over to Year of Sluttery’s latest post.