#1094: How do I answer the “what are you looking for in a relationship” question when I’m not sure I know?

As usual the Captain spiels some gold here. Great advice about a topic so many of us peeps on dating sites wonder about – what is the right answer? Sometimes I just freeze when I see or hear that question and I like the idea of turning it back on the asker. Some sound advice here and I think the take-home message is that we are all individuals muddling through this thing.


Dear Captain Awkward,

How do I respond to the ‘what are you looking for’ question? It feels like no matter what I say it’s never the right answer. If I say I want a relationship I feel like that reads as ‘I’m desperate to get married and have babies’ which I’m not (been there, done that). And, if I say I’m open to something casual then it reads as ‘I have no self-worth, this is an open invitation for you to use me for sex without any regard for my feelings or basic human decency’ (100% nope). I also hate that I might unintentionally give the other person certain expectations or drive them away before I’ve had a chance to get to know them and figure out what, if anything, I want from them.

Personally, I don’t go looking for a particular type of relationship. I just look for someone…

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15 thoughts on “#1094: How do I answer the “what are you looking for in a relationship” question when I’m not sure I know?

  1. That’s a great post! I did a lot of online dating which was huge fun and to be honest I don’t actually think I was asked that many times, if at all. I went through a pretty thorough vetting process before I even talked to someone on the phone, let alone meeting them so I guess either they didn’t get the chance, or by the time we actually spoke on the phone or in person, we knew enough about each other that the question was unnecessary. Great post! Got me remembering my dating times!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You can guarantee that if you have not covered it in some crystal clear fashion in your profile that you will be asked that either via text or in person. I guess it’s human nature (and I do sometimes ask it myself) but when we really have no idea, or as the question asker says, if you’re open to possibilities it comes across as wishy washy. I don’t think there is any one right way in this.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I always say I’ll know it when I find it. I could list out my ideals (if I even know what that is) but I’d never find it in real life and I would probably get bored of it after a while anyway. I like seeing who comes along and who I click with. They usually take me out of my comfort zones and introduce me to new experiences. So maybe that is my ideal. Now I’m confused. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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