Tag: romance scams

What a romance scammer’s email looks like

~ Midlife Dating Adventures ~ 3 Comments

If you’ve never received one of these, keep reading to see all the tricks in action. In the second article in this series, I explored how to spot a romance scam and what to look out for when you’re on a dating site, or any old social media hotspot.

In yesterday’s example, it was LinkedIn, starting with a random connection request from someone I didn’t know. In my business, it’s not that uncommon so I agreed and then a few hours later received this in my inbox.

I’m going to display the email in its entirety so you can spot the hallmarks of a scammer. Just to recap:

  • poor spelling, syntax, grammar, poor grasp of punctuation etiquette and letter spacing, clumsy use of language/expressions/tense
  • military or engineering/mining/businessman background (when a scammer is targeting a woman. If targeting a man, it’s commonly professions like nursing, teaching, nannies or beauticians), at least one mention of God
  • widow/widower status, often with a motherless child/young children
  • inappropriate or strong declarations of attraction (which will soon mount to love and/or talk of marriage or settling down in your country)
  • moving away from the original platform (note that he didn’t message me on LinkedIn, he got my email from there and contacted me privately – now LinkedIn says they can’t do anything about it because it didn’t happen on their platform)
  • attempts to be plausible and weave a story designed to draw you in.

The scammer’s email – verbatim

Hello, My Friend,

I hope this message meets you well. Thank you for connecting with me on LinkedIn, it’s a pleasure. I’m full of admiration and attracted to your picture and profile on LinkedIn at a first glance. Though LinkedIn is not a dating site, this is one chance and I am more than willing and ready to take the risk to contact you via your email, For me, it’s better to try and fail than to give up and never know if you could have succeeded. You are really looking so gorgeous to me and I couldn’t resist this action that I am taking right now.

Well, I will start to introduce myself to you now, My name is Thomas Roland from Scotland and I will love to connect with you on here, get to know each other better and see where it goes from here. Actually, am widowed and I was born on June 10, 1970,I was born in Scotland but currently, reside in Westminster London. I find very much peace and tranquillity there. I am a Contractor that specializes in corrosion treatment both in offshore and onshore oil facilities and also a consultant in the field…

I am the only child of my parent, My weight is 85kg and height is 190 cm, mentally stable, physically fit, a bunch of laughs, warm, caring, honest, good listening, God Fearing, and a positive person. I am a real easy person to talk to and a good listener. I enjoy chilling with good friends, I like going to the cinema or watching movies in my room, I like swimming, fishing, listening to music and dance to any kind of music, travelling, going bowling and also a good cook, I can make crepes, pasta, Italian, and anything from scrape and my favourite are chips with chicken, shrimp, crab and rice. I am a family oriented person and there is more, but it would be better for you to find some things out for yourself…

As a widowed, I am seriously in search of a good friend whom I can tell my good and bad moments because life is too short to spend it in loneliness. I hope we can get to know each other on a personal level. I am in search of a good friendship. Please get back to me so that I can tell you more about myself. You twinkle my fancy. Hope you have a blessed day, as I hope to read from you ASAP.

Best Regards,

Thomas (not the name of the LinkedIn connection by the way).

And here are the photos he sent with his delightful email:

Did you tick off all the hallmarks of a scam? They’re pretty obvious with a little education about a scammer’s MO or a quick course in Romance Scams 101.

I don’t know about you, but I find it very easy to resist ‘Thomas’ – though that wasn’t the case when I was scammed as fresh meat on an Australian dating site called Oasis.

Flashback to the time a romance scammer targeted me

Although it wasn’t my first month giving online dating a red hot go, in hindsight I was still greener than well–irrigated pasture. Initially, I fell prey to this young man’s good looks, pleasantly followed by a cheeky back–and–forth flurry of messages on the dating site. Within a day, we’d moved to kik, and then to what’s app.

From there, things swiftly escalated and he played every card in the book – the motherless child, the successful young business entrepreneur, the loneliness of his life in Botswana, the nanny who looked after the three–year–old son while he was at work. He love bombed me every which way to Friday, taking the conversation up a notch very early, although things never got smutty or sexual – which is vastly different from how Australian men were behaving and quite refreshing in comparison. He wrote and sung me a song and sent me the audio file – he was genuinely talented!

You’ll see all the techniques he used, the calculated ploys and the obvious spelling mistakes, and I overlooked these mild concerns at first. It was easy to make excuses – his story created ample room for explanations – and I really wanted to believe him.

Plus, I was hella attracted to him, which stupidly swayed my judgement. He quickly sucked me into the vortex of constant messaging from dawn until late at night, then the drama of a Skype call (with a dodgy internet connection that affected his camera), followed by a long phone call, a trip to neighbouring Zimbabwe (he sent me a video of him in the jeep, then him filming elephants at close range – who wouldn’t be charmed?), and finally the wedding he and his son attended (of course he shared the adorable photos).

He’d told me about every tiny detail of his life and I’d shared some details about mine too. By that state we were messaging every day, all day, no exceptions. He invested a lot of time in me.

Most importantly, I’d let my guard down and started to think of him as an intimate friend, someone who had real potential for the long term. It’s no surprise that he soon declared his serious interest in me and talked about needing to make a decision about which Commonwealth country he’d migrate to in an effort to leave the increasingly difficult Botswana. He was intently focused on building a new life for the kid. I didn’t want a pre–schooler though, so this was a hitch and not an added bonus for me.

That’s when the sudden problems and the complicated game of proving his sincerity really began in earnest. I started having doubts, and I gave him an ultimatum.

Next time, I’ll share with you my story as it unfolded. You’ll have the benefit of knowing in advance that I was being scammed, which obviously, I didn’t have.

I don’t regret this episode in my dating life though. I learned a lot, and the twists and turns make for great story–telling. But I was vulnerable, far too trusting, and I got hurt. I lost another chunk of fragile faith in human nature and in men.

Stay tuned for my real–life story of being romance scammed to come next post.

Romance scams and how they suck you in

~ Midlife Dating Adventures ~ 1 Comment

In the last article I discussed common traits of scammers – think bad grammar and spelling, poor grasp of normal language syntax and phrases, frequent mentions of god or religion, as well as the more insidious fraud of identity theft (usually stealing people’s photos and videos from social media) and the spinning of downright lies designed to draw victims in, preying on sympathy and generosity.

Too good to be true

The FTC) says, “romance scammers lure people with phony online profiles, often lifting photos from the web to create attractive and convincing personas. They might make up names or assume the identities of real people. Reports indicate the scammers are active on dating apps, but also on social media sites that aren’t generally used for dating. For example, many people say the scam started with a Facebook message.”

Australia’s ACCC has excellent information on its page about common scamming ‘red flags’ or techniques, warning signs, how to protect yourself, real life stories and clues for spotting a fake profile. Choice magazine also has a thorough examination of the practice and detailed tips.

A reminder again – if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. And, never give money to people you have only ‘met’ online and never met in person.

The popular demographics of people scammed

People (who said they were) aged from 40 to 69 reported losing money to romance scams affecting Americans at the highest rates – more than twice the rate of people in their twenties. At the same time, people 70 and over reported the highest individual median losses at $10,000.

The largest cohort of Australians who lost money to scammers or reported them were aged between 34 and 64, and 55.5% were women (43.3% men and 1.3% other). American and British stats are similar. The most popular channel that scammers used was social media (33/7%) the internet more broadly or mobile apps, including dating sites.

In my first article on romance scams I cited 2018 figures of 21,000 reports about romance scams, where people reported losing a total of $143 million. It’s important to note here that these are only the scams that are reported, so it’s impossible to guess how many people are too embarrassed or ashamed to admit to financial or other abuses.

What’s worse – losing money or hope?

Losses often run into the hundreds of thousands but it’s the emotional manipulation and abuse that really scars.

“It’s a big problem because of the emotional devastation. We hear stories of suicides related to online dating scams. I think they’re one of the nastiest of the scams going around,” says ACCC deputy chair Delia Rickard.

A fascinating report, The Psychology of the Online Dating Romance Scam, was conducted over a year-long period by Professor Monica Whitty of The University of Leicester.

She described the phenomenon of ‘hyper-personal’ relationships – the perfect name for what I’ve experienced many times with people online. She also said that “individuals [regardless of gender] higher on romantic beliefs were more likely to be victims of the scam.”

Whitty describes the pressure the scammer increases on the victims through love-bombing. “The victims often stated that they felt closer to the fictitious relationship than any other previous relationship.”

The research examined the emotional and psychological impact on the victims after the scam.

“All participants were affected negatively by the scam. They suffered a range of emotions and effects, including shame, embarrassment, shock, anger, worry, stress, fear, depression, suicidal feelings and post-traumatic stress disorder. Some described the feeling of being mentally raped.

“None of the victims interviewed had appeared to fully recover from the crime. Techniques some were using to cope included writing down their thoughts, working on campaigns to raise awareness of the crime, and thinking positively about a new life.”

In 2015, BBC News reported yet another scammer’s conviction in Britain for defrauding women of 250,000 pounds. An investigating police officer said that it was “an example of how an individual could sit in front of a computer and destroy another person’s life.”

When another victim is just a mouse-click away, it seems that personal culpability can be easily denied, even on the cusp of a prison sentence.

Choice mag scamming graphic

Image courtesy of https://www.choice.com.au/electronics-and-technology/internet/internet-privacy-and-safety/articles/online-scams-and-how-to-avoid-them

Next time I’ll get personal and share the email that sparked this series examining the anatomy of a romance scam. I received it on LinkedIn, which I use for business, where you’d think I’d be safe from scammers. Nope, think again.

Please share in the comments or via my contact form your experiences of being scammed on a dating site or social media platform. I’d love to read your opinions too!

Late addition:

I found out about this docuseries called LOVE FRAUD, which focuses on an unlikely alliance formed by several American women who were conned by their supposed online ‘boyfriend’. He was an average American Joe who got his kicks from manipulating and love-bombing women – and it wasn’t even really about the (smallfry) money. Very similar to my Catfishing story. Check out the article if you’re interested or look for it on Stan or Netflix.