Interview with bone&silver

June 15, 2018June 15, 2018 ~ Midlife Dating Adventures ~ 31 Comments

True tales over 50 (Love for self, the planet and that tricky teen) – by the infamous and wonderful, G

This is another in my regular series of in-depth and (hopefully) insightful interviews with bloggers who write on the topics of female sexuality, midlife adventures or dating in the modern age. You can find others here, here, here, here and here.

Firstly G, I’d love to know the backstory of your blog – why you started it, when, and what your goals were? Do ideas for topics just come to you or do you carefully prepare? Where does the name of your blog come from and what’s its significance for you?

My blog started as a motivator to write more regularly. I’d kept a couple in the past (one on puppetry, and one on dealing with the loss of my Dad, and whether to read his personal journals or not), but wanted more freedom to write about whatever cropped up. I started bone&silver in Aug 2015, as my son and I were about to travel overseas for 2 months, so I figured it would be a good communication tool for friends and family.

I don’t carefully prepare topics at all. I love spontaneity and the impulse of the moment, so try to follow the creative inspiration when it finds me; it can be an image, a feeling, a fellow blogger’s post, or an experience I’ve just had.

I brainstormed the name with a few creative friends, and love it so much! As it says on my About page, I write about the truths I feel in my bones, and am proudly a silver fox who refuses to dye her hair, because Ageism and ‘grey-shaming’ on women utterly sucks. I am proud to be authentically me.

Since that time, what do you think you’ve got out of it? The benefits and the challenges? What do you love about having a blog and so many loyal readers?

I’ve gained so much more skill and discipline in crafting good post. I just love blogging, and wish I could do it all day sometimes. I love the connection with other readers and writers, and the huge variety of topics I can learn about; I follow a wide spread of blogs and interests. Without doubt, I love my readers and regular commenters so much – they help and support me through deep challenges and fun times too. I’ve received such insights and care from my readers.

Because UTC focuses on relationships and online dating would you like to share some of your learning over the time you’ve been giving it a go? As an online dating veteran (since 2009!) you must have seen a lot, experienced a lot and made some changes in your approach or expectations over that time?

I began on RSVP, and quickly found it very conservative, and full of men over 50 who were possibly married and being deceptive. I found one treasure of a bi-man and we are still firm friends. A groovy online expert sent me to OkCupid, and I found my online dating home there in 2010! Don’t forget, I’m in Australia, so the dating pool is waaaaaaay smaller than the American one; OKC back then was full of all the kinky, poly, queer, open-minded, and fluid folk I adore. I had a fabulous time in that community, and encouraged many other women over 45 to join. Sitting passively at home wishing you were having more sex or romance IS A WASTE OF TIME LADIES: go out and get it. That’s my basic philosophy really. And I tell every woman who’s thinking of online dating to remember this: you are the prize at the top of the mountain, and people have to work their way up to you, rather than you selling yourself to them.

What is your current philosophy on dating, relationships and your goals now that you’re single again? Do you have any comment to make on relationship models and your journey, beliefs and what you’re seeking now and into the future? Has this changed much over recent years?

Currently, I just want fun, attention, non-monogamous connections, but always with good communication and mutual respect. ‘Having fun’ is a huge motivator for me. I get very excited by a wide range of relationship models, and have been exploring polyamory both theoretically and physically since 2011. Monogamy is easier, but kinda bores me after a while… I have no desire to ‘settle down’ and live with a partner, as I LOVE living alone, but having someone next door or down the road would be lovely. As long as there was a negotiated freedom for other connections, whether just sexual, or more emotionally-based. As a Feminist, I continually seek a sense of freedom from oppression, especially those imposed by the patriarchy or religious dogma. Stuff that.

Based on your experiences, what would you say about the differences between straight dating and other combinations such as same-sex dating? Is there common ground that is universal? What are some of the unique issues?

My immediate response to this question is of course unfortunately ‘safety’. I will meet a woman way more quickly than a man, and just feel less cautious and protective. I would be quicker to go home with a woman too.

Common grounds are definitely that we’re all looking for connection, whether just sexual or more involved. Unique issues for me are that women’s politics are generally the same as mine, as we have the same ‘lived’ experience in this world run by men, whereas men can be very diverse in their attitudes and presentation.

Do you think there are unique issues in relationship breakups between women? What are some of the stressors? Have you made any resolutions to stand by?

As a general rule, women will do a lot more mutual crying and expressing together. There is often an incredible sense of friendship and care, which can be complex to unravel from the ‘girlfriend’ connection. Women tend to get more intimately involved with each others’ female friends, so again there can be a challenge re loyalties and un-entwining. The only resolutions I’ve made are to try to be kind, yet also take good care of myself and my personal needs for healing, which may mean minimal or no contact for a while for example (I had to do this with one female ex, who just didn’t understand it at all- I even had to delete her from my Facebook to get some space) It depends on the emotional investment I guess, and the hurt being experienced by one or other of you. Mutual break ups are the best.

What are the challenges of writing about a relationship as it unfolds? What are your thoughts on the ethics of writing publicly about relationships generally? Is there a tension between the rights of the person expressing their truth and the rights of the person being written about? You write about a first meeting here, which is both funny and poignant.

Great question. For me, writing about my new online romance was part of the creative connection and inspiration I shared with my beloved ex ‘H’; I would write them stories or blog posts, and in return receive hand-drawn comics. From the very beginning, ‘H’ was clear that I had the freedom to use my creativity to express and explore via my blog; I did sometimes worry if I’d written too intimately, and would always have deleted if ‘H’ said so, but they were often the posts ‘H’ liked best.

Now that I’m dating new people, I am choosing to write about them so far in general terms only, and wouldn’t involve them in greater detail without a clear discussion and their full consent. As a mature woman and artist, I believe it’s my duty to reflect a positive ageing experience, which includes dating and sex, but I need to find the balance between respecting privacies, yet creating intimacy with my readers. It’s a fine line, and I admire bloggers such as yourself who go for more in-depth details.

How do you see the evolution of dating and finding a mate unfolding across the generations or the eras? For example, we are both Gen X women over 40 and I’m sure we have a lot of common ground in the challenges of being single at our age and stage. Thoughts?

I refuse to stay home and grow old + lonely on the couch; I love online dating, and the thrill of the chase. I’m certainly not looking for a life partner ‘to complete me’ though, as I have achieved a lot by myself, and love the life I’ve created. I have my awesome son, amazing friends like family, and own my own home. I have travelled the world by myself, and love my own company… it would be nice to have someone special to snuggle up with sometimes though, hence my online dating skills. I don’t necessarily believe in a ‘happy ever after’ with one person, but I do enjoy spending precious time and adventures with meaningful people.

You have used the phrase ‘the dating roundabout’ a few times – why is that? Do you think it’s like a roundabout with no one destination or …?

There are certainly patterns that I can see in online dating, such as signing up with enthusiasm, drooling over various profiles, sending out a bunch of messages, hearing nothing in return, and getting jaded by the whole process within a fortnight. In that way, it’s a roundabout, as I search, message, meet, decline/get declined etc. But I don’t keep going round and round mindlessly; I have learnt an awful lot, and when I feel like I need a break, I happily step off.

Your blog topics are wonderfully diverse and I guess the common theme is your interests and your life over 50? Tell me about how and why you started some of them, eg France and travel?

I got more serious about the blog when staying in France for 2 months with my son; we had lots of time to read and write, so I got into a blogging habit. As an artist, travelling to perform at festivals and events, I have a fairly interesting and unexpected lifestyle, so can always find something to blog about. I also live in a pretty quirky corner of Australia, near Byron Bay, so am exposed to lots of different viewpoints and experiences; I like to share new ideas.

How much does your everyday life inform your blog writing? Is there much crossover?

They are deeply intertwined! As a writer, I’m always noticing details, or finding story ideas in the way someone walks past me, or something I overhear in a café. And when I go through a personal drama or challenge, it is often mirrored in other blogs I’m reading, so I will reach out for advice or to offer empathy.

Your popular ‘Teenage son’ section has recently become controversial – I’d love to hear how that started and about the challenges of writing about our children once they become ‘of an age’.

Ha: ‘Controversial’ in that he told me to stop writing about him! He is an important part of my life (obviously), and quite a character, so to NOT include him would be difficult. The ‘Teenage Tuesdays’ just evolved as we were practicing driving on his Learner plates, and he kept saying funny things I would remember… but now he’s banned me from using his humor. I absolutely have to respect his privacy.

I’d love to hear more about your writing – goals and ambitions? Where you’ve come from… I like this piece where you talk about how important writing is to you.

I’ve always kept journals, as did my Dad. I’d love to write a book (or 10), but what about? What genre? Could I keep the discipline of working at it? I am an avid reader (my Mum was a librarian), but blogging’s immediacy seems to suit my personality best. Writing is definitely one very important way I process life experiences. I also enjoy the freedom to press the ‘Publish’ button without needing anyone else’s approval.

How much does your environment and location stimulate you to write or give you a focus for your blog?

Great question. My creative training is as a dancer, clown, and Improvisor; so being Here, in this Moment, is the major aim of all three disciplines, which easily translates to blogging about what happened this morning in the car, at the beach, or on the news.

How do your beliefs or convictions as a feminist, someone passionate about caring for the environment and sustainability, and performing/art intersect and connect in the blog and in your life?

If asked to define myself, the first word I would choose would be Feminist. Then Artist/dancer, then mother/vegetarian etc. I feel fiercely that we all need to honour and respect our only Earth, especially for our children and grandchildren; these filters are how I live my life, and I’d never change them. For me, they all feel right.

How does it help you to express and share a piece like the one about your father’s passing? Is it in the getting it outside of us, or the sharing that seems to help for you? Are there any downsides to writing personal tragedy or deep feelings?

Losing my Dad was a terrible shock, which rocked our extended family for a long time; expressing the rollercoaster of emotions that follow a death helped me experience that sharing is a way to dispel pain, to offer hope or advice for others, and most importantly to break down barriers around mental health or other taboo subjects. It also builds community, and reflects other’s experiences back to themselves as valid, unique, yet also universal. I often cry while writing deeper pieces, which feels good afterwards. As an artist/performer, some of my best performances are the ones which move others to tears, so to be able to do that with words is wonderful. We’re all here to connect and share our experiences I believe, so that’s how I try to blog; my readers’ comments are without doubt my most treasured gift from blogging.

Channelling My Inner Teacher

April 21, 2018April 21, 2018 ~ Midlife Dating Adventures ~ 16 Comments

Sex with a virgin. Has it ever held an attraction? It certainly hadn’t appealed to me, but after a while I began to see that it might have its advantages.

If you’re reading this on the coat-tails of my interview with Tommy, it’s not quite a coincidence that I have chosen to share this story now, but I can guarantee you that it’s unrelated. Phew, I was feeling a bit awkward there for a moment.

This story is one from the vaults of my first year online dating, so let’s propel ourselves back a couple of years.

I’d rejected the idea of sex with needy late teens long ago, even those who were upfront about wanting ‘experience’. I didn’t fancy being anyone’s teacher but quite by accident I found myself in that role.

I met Tenzin on Skout in the final days before I deleted it as a bad joke. He had an ambiguous photo and a friendly approach with only a whiff of desperation. For a couple of weeks we chatted on and off about nothing much in particular.

I was interested in Tenzin’s Tibetan culture and Buddhist background. He opened up and revealed that most women on the app wouldn’t talk to him. He was an accounting student doing his second degree, with a new full-time job to pay his way. All his family were back home. His English was excellent and he explained that it had been honed for many years through work, before only recently moving to Australia.

I was doing my grocery shopping when Tenzin confided in me that he was a virgin. I stopped the trolley in shock. “You shouldn’t tell women that,” I texted. “It’s private!”

I didn’t think that the average Australian woman would appreciate the reasons why he’d reached the ripe old age of 30 without having lost his cherry. Tenzin explained that things were different back in his small village in Tibet. Men and women married young with little or no sexual experience. His knowledge about sex was based on hearsay and porn.

Channelling my inner Shere Hite I invited him to open up about that. I couldn’t help but think of several young men I’d already met who had self-confessed porn addictions and already concerning problems with erectile dysfunction. When Tenzin revealed that, actually, porn made him feel slightly nauseous and sick at heart, I talked to him some more about my own views.

By then we’d hit it off. My inner, subconscious dialogue went something like this:

If I can teach this sensible, innocent young man how to treat a woman well and enjoy both his and her sexuality, I will be improving not only his life but also the lives of several women.

Tenzin proved a willing and eager subject. He liked hearing that if he treats a woman well and satisfies her, she might just appreciate him all the more and stick around.

I gently suggested that he do some genuine research into female physiology. I shared openly my own experiences and some horror stories that other women had told me.

“Don’t be like all those men,” I advised. “If you think of sex as a conquest and it being all about your own satisfaction, then you’ll lose the opportunity to feel what true connected sex and mutual pleasure can give you as a human being.”

He liked my argument. More than that, he was excited to ‘meet’ a woman prepared to be so open and honest about sexuality.

He was also turned on by my cougar status! I shared with him the sad and exasperating statistics about how few women experience orgasm in penetrative sex and how so many men are disinterested or ignorant about women’s bodies.

Sometimes I feel like, here in Australia at least, we’ve gone backwards in time and orgasm equality is farther away than it might have been in the latter part of the 20th Century.

As he read more and more ‘homework’, Tenzin fired questions at me all times of the day and night. His questions ranged from the very basic (“how do I put on a condom?”) to the bizarre (“is it true that most women enjoy having sex with animals?”)

We covered every conceivable topic in between and I was honest with him in a way I’d never been before with either my former husband or any sexual partner. I think this was because our relationship was clear and safe. I’d never met him, I barely knew what he looked like, he didn’t know my full name, we didn’t have to meet or face each other over the breakfast table.

He’d solicited my advice and I’d given it. At times I didn’t feel like responding to his fixation with the topic, but I could understand how exciting it all was for him. He was on the cusp of losing his virginity and was learning so much more than he’d ever dreamed possible.

He could now see a future opening up, where before it was only loneliness, embarrassment and awkwardness.

The pattern continued for a few weeks. I’d send him off to do some more research and he’d do that, plus go off on a tangent and then come back to me with more questions.

Eventually I reached the limit of my altruism and began to grow bored with his neediness and the tone that seemed to have entered his messaging. “You owe me,” it whispered. “I want you to teach me in practice next.”

I questioned my own feelings about sex with this ‘stranger’.

Sure, we’d become familiar but only within a very restricted setting and firm boundaries. I asked for a photo and found him unattractive to my tastes. I withdrew but he followed me, persistent but polite, to the point where I began to feel that I genuinely did have an obligation to give him access to my body as a teaching tool.

For a couple of weeks I fobbed him off with excuses about being busy. I was even quite abrupt, telling him that he couldn’t expect too much from me, that I wasn’t looking for a relationship and that my free time was extremely limited.

I considered his point. Should I go through with it? What did I have to lose? Might it be fun?

It was hard to muster much enthusiasm because I just didn’t find him attractive. I think that’s an important ingredient in fulfilling any sexual fantasies – or at least a certain chemistry that lends itself to intimacy.

I knew he’d never touched a woman before so he’d be ‘clean’. Though he wasn’t keen on condoms, I assured him that he needed to learn for the future.

And so we made a sex date.

Tenzin agreed to take a day off work because he had no free time on the weekends and evenings were out for me. It was a chilly grey Friday morning when we met at a nearby town. I saw his car approaching mine and I stepped out into the fog to meet him. He stayed seated in his car since we’d agreed that he’d follow me to my house.

“Wow,” I thought to myself as I drove the last few kilometres home. “He’s actually quite good looking!”

And indeed he was a fine specimen of virile Asian manliness: trim, small, nut-brown and with a pleasant face and stark white teeth above his crisp white shirt and business trousers. Tenzin seemed confident in an unassuming way and intent on his task, which was of course to lose his burdensome virginity as quickly as possible.

When we arrived, I ushered him inside with warmth I didn’t really feel. I’d realised quickly that he left me cold; I couldn’t sense an iota of passion or genuine interest in me. Clearly, we didn’t see the world in the same way and never would.

But that was fine. I didn’t want anything from this, in fact I would have been quite happy to shoo him back out, say farewell and good luck.

But my own sense of obligation kicked in, and after half an hour of polite conversation during which I knew he would never make the first move, I steeled myself to take the initiative and kiss him.

It was god-awful terrible.

Clearly, he’d never actually ‘kissed’ a girl before. Within seconds, his thrashing lizard tongue forced itself down my throat. It took every ounce of self-control not to end it all immediately.

“Stop,” I said to him gently. “Slow down, slow right down.”

Then I led him by the hand to my bedroom and I swear my thoughts ran like a cliché: “Let’s just get this over with.”

Tenzin was very nervous (as you’d expect) but he was holding it all together pretty well. He was very quiet and intensely serious. There was no laughing, no fun, no passion – all of the things that make my world turn.

I knew that he feared being ‘seen naked’ but I wasn’t sure why – he had a lovely body. It just wasn’t my type.

To cut to the chase, Tenzin successfully put his hard-won research into practice and gave me a single, passionless orgasm, and then climbed on top of me and not too soon, reached his own heavy, panting climax.

I’d fulfilled my duty and he’d achieved his goal. He didn’t have to carry the weight of ‘virgin’ status in a highly sexualised world any longer. He could hold his head high and perform adequately with any woman.

In fact, I reassured him afterwards, a lot of women would have no idea of his limited sexual experience. I bolstered him up and told him he’d done well. I went further in my own head: compared with some of the men I’d had in my bed on this crazy journey, he was bloody good! A virgin until an hour before – and he was a better lover than some guys who swear they’re studs and sexperts. I had a quiet internal chuckle at that for quite some time.

Unfortunately, Tenzin misunderstood our transaction.

Despite my warnings that I didn’t want a relationship and had no free time to offer, which was true in many ways but especially because I was so busy dating other men, Tenzin hadn’t listened.

He contacted me many times afterwards. My least favourite method was an unannounced phone call to my mobile from a private number.

After more than a year of random, awkward conversations where he’d make small talk and then beg me to give him another chance, I told him that it would never happen.

This was still not blunt enough. Months later, I resorted to blocking him on kik and refusing to take his calls on my mobile. One of the reasons why I never, even now, answer an unknown number on my phone, is because of his unreasonable persistence. He’d told me that there hadn’t yet been anyone else after me, which was a great shame.