When Someone Unexpected Appears

May 13, 2018May 13, 2018 ~ Midlife Dating Adventures ~ 21 Comments

Today I had a date with a man I really like. This may seem like a completely innocuous and boring statement to you, but honestly, it’s rare I can say that.

recycled furniture

It’s unusual for me to find a man on a dating site whose profile I want to read, whose pictures interest me, and who lives reasonably near me. There are usually other factors that make them seem incompatible or just plain impossible. Or they won’t return my message, if I decide to send one, from which I assume they aren’t into me, or it just wasn’t meant to be.

This guy, I’ll call him ‘the recycler’, didn’t immediately interest me. He had a strange user name and I didn’t much like the look of his pictures. His profile text, though interesting, didn’t jump off the screen and make me want to message him. I took my time in replying to his initial tentative but confident greeting message to me. I put him in the mental filing basket of ‘not my type but I’ll look into it when I get a minute’.

Eventually I responded and we did the awkward stilted banter on POF that results from the abysmal lack of rhythm and snail’s pace of the interface, which seems standard here in my city. God it’s truly appalling and most of the time I can’t even be bothered trying, so I very quickly shift them over to kik if they seem at all promising. Except The Recycler did not have kik and did not offer to install it – normally a sign to me that they’re not really worth pursuing if they can’t be bothered to do that. After all, it’s fast, free and best of all, anonymous so no sharing of mobile/cell phone numbers is necessary. As a woman (and especially as one who’s been harassed by unwanted phone calls and texts before), this is worth the hassle of phone space and data use.

Instead, he gave me his mobile number and asked if we could text. Again, there was a pause from me when I mentally backed off. I don’t like to share my mobile with anyone unless I have met them. Hard won experience has taught me that people sometimes can’t be trusted to behave as you would expect. Late night phone calls, dinnertime unannounced phone calls and in fact, any phone calls are not welcome to me – unless they have texted me to ask if it’s OK. Actually, scrap that, I rarely like talking on the phone unless I know someone pretty well and the timing suits me. I’m a busy working woman and a mother, so I rarely have time or privacy to actually ‘talk’.

I sat with that suggestion of messaging on our phones for a few days and we chatted a couple more times on POF. When he made a comment about me avoiding messaging his phone, I felt a tiny slither closer to trusting him with my number. I explained my reticence and he was totally supportive of my reasons and swore that he’d respect my rules and that, in fact, he agreed with them. He wasn’t up for unannounced calls or phone convos either.

So, we started texting a little over a week ago. It’s been reserved and friendly, with only one stray into personal territory when he asked about my harem of young men. I knew he was fishing for information and I purposely didn’t take the bait, but then he persisted so I told him that, at the moment, I was looking for a man around my age. A change of pace that I’m enjoying exploring, thanks to the delicious benefits of being involved with an older man for the first time in my life.

At this point I should probably add that the only reason I am back on a dating site (yes, only the one) and looking seriously again is that I am emotionally invested with an unavailable man, and because we can only see each other every two to three weeks, and even then it can’t be relied upon until he actually arrives at my door, I need distractions. I need to steer my wayward heart from constantly thinking of him night and day, and give my body treats to tide me over the long breaks between the fierce, loved-up energy I get from being with him.

The Recycler and I continued our friendly but restrained messaging last Friday while we were both at work, and then he asked if I’d like to catch up for coffee over the weekend. I agreed and we laid in place tentative plans for today, a Sunday, which we confirmed this morning.

By this stage you might be getting the feeling that I was not quite engaged, a little hesitant and certainly not weighing in with my usual gung-ho energy. You’d be right, but that’s really my new modus operandi in these post-E days – restraint, caution and trying to ensure my needs are met, rather than the focus being on meeting the needs of countless men. We women are generally programmed to please, and so unless we take a good hard look at our choices and our behavior, we can find ourselves following outdated scripts that don’t serve us well. I’ve affirmed to myself many times that long gone are my days of ‘saving’ men and meeting their needs, instead of my own.

Come 2.00pm and I entered the café tucked away in a quiet, pretty town, looking for The Recycler. He was nowhere to be seen so I messaged him and waited outside. In just a few seconds he was walking towards me and – gasp – he was REALLY attractive! How did this happen? How can someone so sexy and handsome in the flesh come across as meh in a photo? A little flustered, I drank him in with my eyes as we smiled and said hello.

“You look lovely,” he said, taking my arm.

I put my hand on his arm in an instinctive gesture of warmth and looking into his eyes I said, “You’re American?! I didn’t know.”

We made the decision to go for a wander rather than enter the coffee shop straight away. As we walked comfortably along the street looking for an antique shop to browse, we chatted smoothly as I adjusted to the unusual sensation of feeling tiny butterflies and a growing excitement. Yes, I liked him! I knew it instantly! And he seemed to like me. There was the prolonged eye contact, the warm smiles, the enlarged pupils, the easy conversation.

We have a lot in common – in fact probably the most I’ve ever experienced with a stranger. Especially one from a dating site. We’re both environmentally aware and interested in sustainability, the natural environment and living life simply. We both prefer nature to cities, and recycled or old, well-crafted furniture and items to new, we both love original, heartfelt live music and have similar non-mainstream musical taste – in fact as we talked we kept discovering more areas of amused agreement. It’s refreshing to meet someone like this – I can count on one hand the number of men I’ve met where I’ve felt this type of harmony and nascent excitement.

Eventually we chose a gorgeous old Georgian-style café and sat in the garden under the naked autumn branches of a giant elm tree. We talked comfortably for almost two hours, during which time I felt his eyes on me (I think they were admiring) and I tried not to feel nervous or as if I was being judged. Most of the time I honestly don’t care what they think of me, because the stakes are not that high and I’m not invested in an outcome. But this time, because I find someone like The Recycler so infrequently, I was very aware of a spark of fledgling anticipation between us, a sense that we had each met our match, and that it had been a long time coming.

I don’t know what to make of it, so I’m going to watch and wait. He left rather suddenly as we walked back down the street towards our cars, giving me a quick peck on the lips at the pedestrian crossing. I realised that he was 45 minutes over schedule and I’d made him late. Ooops. I messaged him earlier tonight to thank him for the pleasure of his company and for buying me the coffee.

“I really like you,” I said. And then I waited, thinking ‘was that too much?’ and ‘was I too direct?’ and of course, ‘what if he doesn’t like me?’.

He messaged back a short while later saying that he enjoyed meeting me too. And then that’s been it for the night. I know he’s with his mate helping him move house, so I’m hoping that’s the reason for the lack of further comment.

Still, I can’t help wondering whether I imagined all the feelings of connection and bright-eyed regard. He’s given me many compliments already – not just about my appearance either – but time will tell where this one leads. All I can say is, thank you Mother Universe for showing me that men like The Recycler exist in my world.

Little Miss Shy …Goes Online Dating part 2

March 17, 2018 ~ Midlife Dating Adventures ~ 21 Comments

Welcome to part 2 of my existential musings about relationships and the ways we ‘meet and mate’ nowadays. For the backstory, read part 1. To jolt your memory, here’s where I left off:

But if I didn’t want marriage or monogamous partnership, what other choices did I have? What was there in the multifarious, shady world between casual sex and marriage?

Mr Men

Polyamory – poly what?

Polyamory is much more widely known now, but a couple of years ago it wasn’t, at least in my social circles and life experience. Until Week 2 of chatting on dating sites, I remained ignorant of the term, when I stumbled across a captivating young guy on OK Cupid.

It’s not that he was ‘good looking’; it’s that he was unusual and proud of it. Andrew’s profile announced his ‘poly’ status right from the get-go and his photo enthralled me. He was wearing funky sunglasses and black lipstick, a nerdy guy dressed in a pink tutu in a crowded festival setting. I fired off a jaunty message and not long afterwards he replied. Fantasy Mind loved the idea of developing a friendship with someone so openly rebellious, which felt like a breath of fresh air from my defiant past.

And so began my introduction to polyamory – ‘poly’ or ‘polyam’ for short. If you think you already know about poly, bear with me – it’s not all about the ‘hipsters’ and fucking around, although in certain circles there can be a very high level of promiscuity. The way I see it, behind polyamory there’s a genuine notion of questioning the status quo – and I’m all for that.

Let’s look at what it’s not: It’s not religious; it’s not polygamy; it’s not sexist or favouring men or women (poly can be adopted by any adult); it’s not ‘swinging’ and certainly it’s not just having casual sex with whoever takes your fancy.

According to the ‘bible’ of poly, Morethantwo, polyamory is:

“…the fact of having simultaneous close emotional relationships with two or more other individuals, viewed as an alternative to monogamy, especially in regard to matters of sexual fidelity; the custom or practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned.”

You might not know that the fabulous French early feminist, Simone de Beauvoir, spent a lifelong polyamorous relationship with philosopher John Paul Sartre that she termed “the one undoubted success in my life”.

The Guardian writer, Laura Smith says that, “in terms of longevity, they had about half of us beat: their relationship, which allowed for affairs while they remained essential partners, lasted 51 years until Sartre’s death in 1980.”

Emer O’Toole, also in The Guardian, adds to the list of what poly is not, “It isn’t a disregard for the agreements you share with people you love. And it certainly isn’t positioning monogamous people as more blindly traditional or less emotionally evolved than you.”

Boy, did I have a lot of questions for Andrew. My mind was buzzing with excitement.

Ethical non-monogamy – is there such a thing?

Andrew was 30 at the time, and had been living as a bisexual poly guy for a decade. It wasn’t something he’d decided on lightly and it certainly wasn’t an easy path. During our first two-hour meeting under a shady canopy in my city’s public gardens, I politely drilled him for information.

I was fascinated by poly and its potential as a viable alternative to monogamy. Andrew patiently explained the basics and directed me to some very useful reading (The Ethical Slut is a great starter). Although he’d had short periods of monogamy, Andrew identified most strongly with poly. His deepest emotional relationships were with women but supplemented by those with men. He had a long-term female partner of two years, as well as regular male and female ‘playmates’. Andrew felt it was important to be open about poly, even in his workplaces.

This brings me to the common topic of jealousy. Yes, invariably people raise it, and yes, dealing with it takes a lot of time and energy. The problems of and solutions to jealousy were, I discovered, a good way to think about poly.

Taking care of everyone’s feelings and being open, fair and inclusive was complex; mind-bogglingly difficult for a lot of people to comprehend.

As I listened to Andrew recounting his previous decade of countless romantic experiences with both women and men, older and younger than he, I marveled at his maturity, ethics and empathy.

In fact to me, poly almost seemed beyond the grasp of your average emotionally ravaged, insecure, volatile human.

Andrew described to me a common insecurity – being left out – that lonely feeling when your lovers are all busy with their other lovers but you’re sitting home alone nursing a hot chocolate in front of the TV. There is no easy fix; poly takes guts and honesty to make it work. It’s about freedom and giving people you care about respect.

But is it for me?

I started to think deeply about poly, given my new lease on life after marriage and questioning of all things ‘relationship’. I began to wonder whether I could do this poly thing and make it work for me.

Around me, all over the western world people were starting to feel the same way. A 2016 study in the US revealed that 21% of adults had been in an open relationship, and over in the UK, a 2015 survey revealed that 48% of British men and 30% of women were interested in one. (Michael Baggs, Does anyone believe in monogamy or should we have open relationships? BBC Newsbeat 17 Feb 2017) Apparently at least 5% of Americans are now involved in polyamorous relationships.

Ongoing discussions with Andrew were fuelled by my years of pent-up qualms and frustrations. My mind was buzzing with ‘what if’s. But poly, he admitted, was certainly not for everyone.

Peak interest in poly seems to be late 20s-early 30s although when I joined a couple of poly Facebook groups in my city, I saw that a handful of people in their 40s and 50s also identified as poly. It was a depressingly small ‘community’ in my small city. There were several of couples looking for a third, poly solos and people with established ‘polycules’ (or harems).

I discovered terms like unicorn hunting, traid and hinge. I learned a lot about the politics of polyamory, but best of all, I stumbled upon RA – relationship anarchy. The key axiom for RA is that ‘love is abundant and every relationship is unique’.

RA questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple.

People who follow RA do not rank and compare people and relationships. They consider each relationship to be independent, between autonomous individuals. Then and now, I relate to all of these statements! I have come to view RA as the relationship philosophy that best aligns with my conscience and my desires.

The myth of love’s scarcity or finite nature is something we are raised to believe in our (Western) society. I think of this as a miserly approach to love and certainly I can’t imagine anyone saying to a parent of multiple children, “how could you possibly love more than one?”

We take it for granted that, as mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, we have enough love to go around, that we can love more than one child or friend at a time, that the human heart has an infinite capacity for love.

Can we take non-monogamous relationships seriously?

So why, then, do some people question the authenticity of non-monogamous relationships? Why is a poly relationship considered not quite ‘real’ or ‘serious’?

Carrie Jenkins argues that non-monogamy isn’t considered ‘romantic’ – “what gets called ‘romantic’ isn’t just about classification, it’s about marking out those relationships and lives we value most.”

Author of Morethantwo, Franklin Veaux, challenges the notion that ‘if you love someone, you shouldn’t want anyone else’.

“Many people believe that a person who has multiple loves can’t give their ‘whole heart’ to any person. The belief goes that if you love one person, you can express your love wholeheartedly, but if you love multiple people, your love is divided up and is therefore not as deep… Don’t think of the contents of your heart the way you think of the contents of your wallet; it doesn’t work like that.”

Learning about poly and RA finally gave me the vocabulary and ideas to challenge all those notions and judgements that had filtered down to me for decades.

It was everywhere I looked; the value-judgement that monogamy was the only way to live, the only system under which a relationship could be conducted.

Esther Perel writes at length about monogamy and relationships, and she offers boundless wise counsel. She says so succinctly of conventional monogamy that it’s this very model of love and sex that’s behind the exponential rise of infidelity and divorce. (More on this topic coming soon!)

“We ask one person to give us what an entire community once provided – and we live twice as long. It’s a tall order for a party of two.”

Elf Lyons in The Guardian/Observer says that “polyamory is the most empowering way of loving that I have encountered. It gives women more autonomy than other relationship models ever have… I believe that it could be the huge relationship revolution that the feminist movement needs.” Elf Lyons, A New Way to Love: In Praise of Polyamory, 23 July 2017

Autonomy is good – yes? And boundless opportunities to love and be loved? But is life really like that, I wonder. In Part 3 of this series, I will raise the uncomfortable topic of ‘the double standard’. (Oh, and I’ll reveal how that wonderful little book Little Miss Shy Goes Online Dating ends!)