Tag: online dating messes with your head

How I Ended Up Giving Online Dating A Go – Revisited

~ Midlife Dating Adventures ~ Leave a comment

Like a lot of people it was boredom, coloured by the occasional flash of loneliness, plus a deeper urge to re-join the push and pull of humanity that led me to online dating.

After the end of a two-decade-long marriage that included raising two primary-school-aged children, a secret part of me craved excitement: ideas, fun, laughter, the thrill of new friendship… and sex. The heady early years of mothering my babies had waned and loving them intensely and passionately didn’t fill me up quite as much.

I didn’t feel anything for months, least of all an interest in sex or men. I wasn’t grieving the loss of the marriage, because in my head I’d wanted out for a long time. It was actually a relief, and I loved being alone on those rare moments when I was kid-free.

But life and work and kids were complicated, and I needed to reground myself. Thinking back, I see now that I was emotionally numb – until I discovered a dormant interest in the opposite sex. It was something of a shock to find a throbbing heart in my chest and all the symptoms of a love-struck teen. I probably embarrassed myself by my all-out pursuit of this geeky tech manchild, ohso my type back then!

It was a total accident that I opened the door to online dating. I blame my friend and colleague – I guess if it wasn’t for her, I’d never have met my beloved.

Dating sites

Dating apps were intoxicating at first!

I committed myself to giving online dating a go for a year, to throw caution to the winds and explore what I’d been missing since the age of 21 when I’d got hitched. It ended up being a lot longer than a year, what with at least one six-month enforced celibacy block and some on-again-off-again app cancelling and re-subscribing. I think everyone does this – dating just gets too much at times.

I’ve always been idealistic and romantic – diving into the lows and floating blissfully with the highs – yet after so long in the one relationship, at first my wings felt clipped. My confidence was at rock bottom. Most people in long-term relationships feel this way, I’ve learned. Often, the complacency or invisibility sets in and you forget what sexual attraction is like. I’d thought I’d forgotten how to flirt and a part of me wondered if I’d ever get it back. (I needn’t have worried – it’s like riding a bike!)

Online dating messes with your head

I think that, the world over, we all agree about this. Its very nature encourages intimacy between strangers. It cloys confessions and drags declarations from us before we even know what we’ve revealed. Everything about the shopping-aisle of faces, swiping and texting is artificial. Online dating is the ultimate headfuck.

It’s so easy to rashly type something and then hit send with little thought for the consequences. After only a few days texting we can feel as if we’ve shared our innermost depths, and yet our minds gloss over the fact that we haven’t even met this person of our dreams.

This is because we’re ancient beings adapted to a very different life – one that’s lived in air and flesh, not one that’s conducted digitally via swiping keypad and quick-clicked images. And so what’s texted, whispered or messaged is real to us. It’s normal once we step through the doors of digital dating.

And ‘normal’ is about to get a whole new look.

 

PS – I’m revisiting and revising some of my earlier posts from 2017 when I only had a very few curious visitors. I hope you enjoy these stories if you’re a new reader.

If You’re New to Dating, Work Out What You Don’t Want

~ Midlife Dating Adventures ~ 9 Comments

From the beginning of my journey into online dating, I knew what I didn’t want and the list was extensive.

I didn’t want a conventional relationship. I didn’t want boring, humdrum or ‘average’. I didn’t have a pre-prepared list of all the qualities I sought in a man, or needed in a relationship. I didn’t want dinner dates, assumptions or expectations about my time and our status. I didn’t want just one lover. I didn’t even necessarily want a man my age.

Instead, I wanted novelty, flirtatious, rambunctious fun! I wanted lots of other things too, but I couldn’t name them at that early stage. In hindsight, I was a fairly typical midlife woman out to reclaim her sexuality and experiences of youth and dating!

Idealistically at first, I dipped my toe into this new world. You can picture me as wide-eyed and relatively innocent at the start but gradually I became wiser, more familiar with patterns and common issues and sadly, somewhat jaded.

Online Dating is not for the Faint Hearted

If there was just one point in my favour when I began dating online, it might be this: I didn’t have any preconceptions.

I hadn’t touched another man in more than 20 years and frankly, I was curious. I soon became very focused on sex, which is probably a natural result of the novelty and choice that flooded into my life.

But it’s one thing to be focused on sex and quite another to manifest it into your everyday. I eased myself into the idea and reality of sex gently, resisting the potentially crippling doubt and embarrassment masquerading as a pervasive body loathing.

It was a balm to the bruised ego; being appreciated and desired by others can be immensely healing. Each of my stories, and the men behind them, played a part in helping me to examine my own limiting beliefs or prejudices about my body. Some men played a huge role in freeing my sexuality, and I’m happy to say that they have stayed in my life to this day.

From the outset, a part of me wanted instant intimacy along with satisfying sex – and that was never going to happen, so I was setting myself up for disappointment. It’s very rare that you can meet a stranger and feel immediately close to them, ‘connected’ in a genuine way. It usually takes time to get to know their character, personality, likes and dislikes, and to build rapport.

And while there’s nothing wrong with relationships that are primarily sexual, I wasn’t sure if I could do that. I was soon about to find out.

During the first year of online dating, a positive attitude kept me buoying back up and much of the time, I could heartily laugh about it. You need a sense of humour to face all the bigotry thrown at women and girls! This begins as soon as we become sexual beings (if we’re allowed to), continues after we become mothers (maternal and definitely non-sexual), and is perpetuated after we reach a certain age (so the story goes, non-sexual and invisible).

As with trying anything new, especially something as risky and daring as plunging into dating again, it’s realistic to remember The Learning Curve.

We all start out as somewhat innocent. We all think we know what we’re doing but it’s possible that we don’t!

Debriefing With Trusted Friends is a Good Strategy

I regularly shared experiences with people close to me but I was careful which ones. Only a few understood where I was at, and talking to people who have experience here really helped. My two main ‘go-to gals’ listened to my excitement, my confusion and my tears, as I listened to their stories. One dear friend helped me to express my feelings about the socio-political in the every day.

I’m very grateful for these support networks, because to deal with this world alone would be suffocating. It also helped to have women I could have a laugh with, or ask ‘curly’ questions (for example, how come so many men ask about the status of my pubic hair?!)