milf – Page 4 – (Midlife) Adventures in 21st Century Dating & Mating

It can be pretty confusing when faced with a whole new lingo, and let’s face it, if you’re a Gen X-er like me, you’ve had a few years to amass a pretty useless collection of slang, jargon and cleverclogs terms that only a select few understand.

Here I take the mystery out of a whole bunch of words, phrases, names and pastimes in today’s online dating world. If I’ve missed any, be sure to let me know!

BDSM: A combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism). BDSM is used today as a catch-all phrase covering a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures. (Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM)

Benching/breadcrumbing: Being put on the back burner or putting someone on the backburner while someone pursues other paramours. They often give you just enough contact to keep you attached but never really commit. You’re usually their backup plan.

Catch and release: Like cultivating laybys, this is a tactic used by people who need constant affirmation and validation, another type of ‘advance and retreat’ game playing.

Catfishing: “On the internet, a ‘catfish’ is a person who creates fake personal profiles on social media sites using someone else’s pictures and false biographical information to pretend to be someone other than themself. These ‘catfish’ usually intend to trick an unsuspecting person or persons into falling in love with them.” (Wikipedia)

Catch & Release: People who are one-date-wonders, they lure you in, you have a fantastic date and then they move on looking for the next exciting thrill. They thrive on the chase rather than looking for the actual relationship. Similar to Monkeying: bouncing from date to date, relationship to relationship, like a monkey swinging from tree to tree.

Chat, talk: Messaging or texting unless context is otherwise stated here.

Cougar: A slang term [for] a woman who seeks sexual activity with significantly younger men. (Wikipedia)

Cougar Life: A dating app aimed at cougars and men seeking them.

Cub: A younger man who is attracted to or in a relationship with a ‘cougar’.

Cuffing / Uncuffing: Cuffing season is usually during winter when people really want to have someone in their life to snuggle when it’s cold. Uncuffing season is when the weather warms up and people enjoy being single and mingling.

Demisexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. Comes from the orientation being ‘halfway between’ sexual and asexual. (Wikipedia wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual)

Friends with benefits (FWB): Friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically … casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment. (Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=friends%20with%20benefits)

Fuck Buddy: See friends with benefits.

Ghosting: “The propensity to evaporate into thin air, or more accurately cyberspace, when confronted by situations you don’t want to deal with, people you’d rather not see, or feelings more complex than you care for.” (Mariella Frostrup ‘My New Boyfriend Has Vanished’ The Guardian April 2016)

Hiding accounts/deleting accounts: Some dating apps or sites allow you to ‘hide’ your profile so that it is invisible to others. Other apps allow you to delete your photo so that you are somewhat incognito. Deleting accounts means closing it completely.

Icing: Defined by Esther Perel as ‘manufacturing a reason to suspend the relationship’ – equal parts anxiety and ego; fastest path to resentment. (Esther Perel www.estherperel.com/relationship-accountability accessed 24 July 2017)

Kik: A chat app that allows users to be anonymous, send pictures, videos and messages.

Kink: Sexual practices [that] go beyond what are considered conventional sexual practices as a means of heightening the intimacy between sexual partners…sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. (Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kink_(sexual))

Layby (also known as breadcrumbing or cushioning): People already in relationships who seek to get someone else emotionally invested or ready to date; an ambiguous way of cheating

Love bombing: A seductive and manipulative technique usually directed by sociopaths or narcissists. Follows three main phases – idealisation, devaluation and discarding. (Alex Miles ‘Love Bombing: A Seductive and Manipulative Technique’ Elephant Journal 28 January 2016)

Match&Chat: kik messenger group that presents fresh faces every day from around the world.

MILF: Mother I’d Like to Fuck.

My Cougar Dates: Dating app for people seeking older women that syndicates profiles to numerous other sites/pages.

NSA: ‘No strings attached’ sexual activity.

Oasis: Dating website/app.

OK Cupid: Dating website/app.

Paid sites/apps vs free apps: Free dating sites/apps allow users to have near or full functionality of the app without paying. Paid sites require regular subscription tokens/fees in order to see or contact members. Sometimes it is men who are charged and women who are free.

Plenty of Fish: Dating website/app.

Polyamory: Based on the Greek and Latin for “many loves” (literally, poly many + amore love). Polyamory is often defined as informed consent of all participants or consensual non-monogamy.

Poly solo: An approach that emphasises agency and does not seek to engage in relationships that are tightly couple-centric. People who identify as poly solo emphasise autonomy, the freedom to choose their own relationships without seeking permission from others, and flexibility in the form their relationships take. (Franklin Veaux More Than Two More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory 2014 and Janet W. Hardy The Ethical Slut, Second Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures)

Protocols: Loose or commonly understood ‘rules’.

RA – relationship anarchy: Relationships that are not bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree on; a way of engaging the relationships in your life, based on abundance, consent, and autonomy; shares characteristics with polyamory. (Wikipedia http://www.relationship-anarchy.com/)

Roaching: A common behaviour named after the adage that when you see one cockroach, there are many more you don’t see. In this case, it’s the multiple other lovers your new discovery may be hiding (crushes, dates, flirtations, hookups and maybe even relationships). Like cockroaches, it’s very common not to declare that you’re not being exclusive – some people think the onus is on each party to fess up if they’re not being exclusive.

Romance scams: A confidence trick involving feigned romantic intentions towards a victim, gaining their affection, and then using that goodwill to commit fraud. Wikipedia

RSVP: Dating website/app.

Sapiosexual: A person who is sexually attracted to intelligence or the human mind before appearance. (Wikipedia https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sapiosexual)

Sexting: Sending, receiving, or forwarding sexually explicit messages, photographs or images, primarily between mobile phones. (Wikipedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexting)

Simmering: Defined by Esther Perel as ‘reducing the frequency of dates and communication’ – when something isn’t working for you but you want to keep the security of companionship. (Esther Perel www.estherperel.com/relationship-accountability)

Skout: Dating website/app.

Slow fade: Similar to ghosting, a coward’s way out of communicating that they are uncomfortable with how the relationship is progressing.

Snapchat: An image messaging and multimedia app characterised by images that are only available for a short time before they become inaccessible.

Swinging: Partner swapping, non-monogamous sexual behaviour mainly among couples; single men are kept to a minimum.

Textationship/Text relationship: When you feel like you’re in some sort of relationship (eg great chemistry, great rapport) via text or phone but you haven’t met the person, and may actually never do so in IRL (in real life).

Tinder: Dating website/app (probably the most well known!)

What’s app: Chat app that allows sharing of videos, photos and text messages. Mobile phone numbers need to be exchanged to use this app.

Viber: Chat app that allows sharing of videos, photos and text messages. Mobile phone numbers need to be exchanged to use this app.

Virtual sex: Sexting and sharing of sexually explicit talk, messages or videos via app or online.

Zombie-ing: People from the past who suddenly spring up in your social media and try to re-connect after having slow-faded.

There is no denying that social media has changed our lives. As I write this, at least 12 million Australians log onto Facebook every day, and seven in ten Australians use Facebook, one in two uses YouTube, one in five uses Instagram and one in six uses Snapchat. On a global scale, Facebook alone has 1.86 billion monthly users.

This growing reliance on social media has fuelled an escalating interest in digital dating.

I have only ever used the ‘free dating apps’ or websites, of which there are plenty to choose from. You’ll find some listed in the glossary. Paid apps/sites include RSVP and e-Harmony. It’s interesting to note that despite the large pool of dating app users, only one fifth have opted to pay for premium services. Also noteworthy is that 10% of dating sites users leave within the first three months online.

Who Uses These Apps?

The clientele of each app varies a lot depending on the population of your city or state. I sometimes read reviews on app store sites, and usually don’t install an app unless the rating is above four out of five stars.

Check that the review comments don’t reveal irritating or dysfunctional elements. Be prepared to sign over your personal information, location, contacts and access to your photos and usage patterns though! If you read the fine print of the terms and conditions, you might wish you hadn’t.

I used to hold active profiles on several apps or sites. When I was first single again after a long marriage, I aimed to meet someone every week and for a long while, I achieved that. Most of my spare time was spent messaging, meeting and exploring intimacy on several levels. That’s a helluva lot of effort and time though, and life naturally deals us peaks and troughs, so let’s just call that the peak of my interest in online dating!

Some apps are blatant ‘hook-up’ sites and others have broader appeal for people seeking more conventional ‘relationships’.

With any site, its pool of ‘talent’ depends very much on the size of your city or region. In a big city you might have seemingly endless choices, whereas in my city, many sites have fifty or fewer potentials.

There’s a subset of clientele seeking just one-offs (although they’re surprisingly rare), regular connections (friends-with-benefits being the phrase of the era), extra ‘fun’ outside of an open marriage or similar, and those blatantly seeking illicit ‘affairs’.

Later, I’ll explore the topic of infidelity, and the online world as a pervasive enabler.

Is It True That Only Weirdos Do Online Dating?

Some people still believe it but I don’t think so. Just like the smorgasbord of humanity, the world online is populated by people from all walks of life, and they all have their own tale about why they’ve joined a dating site. I’m not a weirdo, or then again maybe I should proudly own that tag?

Statistics tell an interesting story from several perspectives but it’s hard to go past the fact that 80% of Americans now agree that online dating is a good way to meet and 15% of all adults have used a dating site.

Recently Tinder claimed that 15% of Australia’s population – almost 3.5 million people – use their services! But according to Nielsen Research, 74% of singles in Australia are content with their relationship status, although 63% were still hedging their bets with online matchmaking.

Forbes cites data gathered by research company Pew that over the past two years, online dating has increased for every age group, with a notable rise in use by ‘middle-aged and older adults’.

Combined, people over 35 make up the highest users by age of online dating services. And in this age bracket, one in six people found love online.

Who Is The Average Online Dater?

Well, the average male online dater has never been married before, but the average female dater is searching for a new romance after going through a divorce. And because she has already been in a relationship, she also typically has multiple children and says she isn’t interested in having any more.

The average man, on the other hand, is not a parent and says he may consider having kids some day. Already the statistics show that men and women aren’t necessarily after the same thing.

And so I’m clearly in the ‘average’ bracket in this regard! My own experiences have led me to re-examine what might appear to be an innocuous form of social media. I’ve learned about online norms and lingo. I’ve expanded my social confidence and tested the boundaries of my desirability and sexuality. I’ve thumbed my nose at age conventions and the holy grail of society, monogamy.

My experiences have changed me, that’s for sure. On this blog, I will share some of my experiences and discoveries. Frank and fearless, that’s me.

PS – all stats from http://www.datingsitesreviews.com (2017)