What We Deserve

The search for a significant other occupies the minds and lives of so many people around the globe.

I guess it’s natural for single or restless adults of all ages – the animal desire to mate, breed or create a life together sometimes combined with the very human need for companionship, intimacy and shared goals, even if it’s the yearning for happiness.

I read so many depressing blogs and articles about modern dating. People ghosting, the endless inane text ‘conversations’, the lukewarm arrangements that never come to fruition, the one-off disjointed sex dates that signal a fresh absence. The abject bad behavior, rudeness and lack of respect.

To be honest, from the vantage point of three months into a blissfully happy, committed relationship, these glimpses into other people’s lives – what my life used to be like – scare me.

I don’t want to go back to that, the toughening of my hide. I don’t want to face up to yet another guy I met on a dating site to make small talk, and try to see where he’s coming from, what he really wants. Trying to guess the subtext or the hidden messages – what he’s not saying. Trying to figure out whether he’s genuinely into me, or just wants a fuck. A clumsy, inarticulate encounter that leaves me hollow and alone.

From the other side of the bunker, I’ve realised how meaningless and unsatisfying it is for me to ‘do’ casual sex. After a long, long monogamous marriage I’d embraced the idea of sex with strangers, sex with anyone – even if I didn’t find them 100% attractive. If they met certain standards and were keen to please me and find a connection, I’d give it a go as long as the signals and opportunities aligned. After reaching mid-life with just one partner, I’d wanted to experience what I’d missed. This is almost a modern cliché these days.

I’d accepted and tolerated more than two years of sex with a much younger partner who unintentionally hurt me, didn’t listen to my needs and who objectified me into the body parts he most wanted.

I’d reveled in and thoroughly enjoyed what I’d thought of as regular, mind-blowing sex with a younger, ‘ugly’ lover, someone who ticked many boxes but ultimately left me cold. I’d thought that those orgasms were the best of my life, that his skill and dedication to my pleasure could never be matched.

All this was part of my preparation for the relationship with the person I see as My Forever Man. This is the relationship I have earned, through hard work, dedication and some fairy dust – the magical unknown that enters our life to wreak havoc or create harmonious bliss.

I am now having the best sex of my life, but it’s combined with intense love, adoration, respect and not only commitment, but a genuine desire to make me happy.

I’d like to inject a little positivity and hope into the morass of fears, frustration and miscommunication that populates the dating world online.

All your dreams can, and do, come true. I just don’t know your recipe, because mine was written for me alone. It was the culmination of many decades of living and learning, of heartbreak, experimentation, laughter, connection, loss, confusion and pain.

So I’m reaping the rewards now. I tell myself that I will never be complacent, never take him for granted, never stop showing him my affection and respect… my gratitude, my adoration, my lust.

I know we’re in the honeymoon period, and I’d be inhuman if I didn’t want this to last forever. I deserve this sublime happiness – and so do you.